I recently looked back on a journal entry of mine from 2007 and realized that not only did God answer me then, but I can also see another answer today.
I was struggling with what might seem like a strange problem – I didn’t want to want to get married. I guess the reason I was so conflicted that night was because I had reached an age where marriage was suddenly becoming a real possibility. Friends were talking about it all the time. And not in that little girl “some day” way. In the, “we talked about rings” kind of way. Marriage represented a risk to me. A risk to the incredibly sensitive heart I knew I possessed. Negative experiences with broken relationships around me scarred my heart and left a very healthy dose of pain and fear of what could go wrong (and in so many ways!).
The night of this entry, I had reached home very late after hanging out with a friend. I really wanted to go to sleep but I decided to stay up to spend time with God as I did almost every night. I’d poured my heart out to God repeatedly about marriage-related emotions before, but that night God responded to me with a very direct answer. I’m not one to read into everything as a sign but I do believe that the Holy Spirit can speak to us; whether it be through the Word or through those around us or through life’s coincidences.
January 31, 2007
Please heal my heart. Lord, I’m still very hurt, upset, and wounded…. And I don’t know what to do about it. Do I let myself hope and be a “lady in waiting”? Or do I reject the idea of marriage? My heart is decided, but my brain keeps telling me “no”. Lord, I give my heart to you. Please guard it. Please lead me and make your will clear to me….
– 12:59 AM
“So I say to you, ‘Trust in Me. Rely on Me. Let Me do a new thing in you heart.
That heart has been so hard. That heart has been so hurt.
That heart that said, “God, I’ve been hurt too much! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I’m afraid of being hurt.”‘
The Lord is saying, ‘I will heal your hurt. I will do a new thing in you heart. Yes, I will heal your memories. I will heal those scars – Those scars that have been buried so deeply. Some scars that no one knows about, but they are eating at you…’
God is saying ‘I am healing that, I am healing that.’
– Quoted from the book Hey God, Why is it taking so long? by Lynette Hagin (pages 136-137)
Lord, I just read that passage in Hagin. I don’t want to read your voice into something where it’s not or exaggerate my pain …. But I also believe everything happens for a reason. And I can’t read that passage and not be amazed at your immediate answer to a prayer I said just a few minutes ago. Lord, are you telling me to hope, to not worry about my heart because you are healing it? …Lord, I am so excited to be speaking to you! I can’t believe I almost didn’t read from the Hagin book today!…
– 1:15 AM
…To be continued in Part II