In my previous post, an answered prayer could be seen immediately (literally within less than half an hour). The reason I chose to separate out these two posts is because I see how God has answered my prayer in stages. In the years since my 2007 entry, I can see how my perspective has changed and my prayers have changed to openly acknowledge my desire for marriage.
In the past, I really couldn’t have a conversation in which I completely accepted my desire for marriage. I protected myself with my words. Either I brushed off inquiries with statements about possibly living my life as a single mother of adopted children (because I definitely wanted to be a mom) or I made comments about not wanting to open myself up to all the negative consequences I felt were inevitable. I continually asked God to take away my longing for marriage if it was not in his will for me, secretly hoping that it was in fact not part of his will for me.
The night I heard that direct answer from God in 2007 telling me to “Let Go and Let God” was not the “end all”. I struggled mightily with my fears and in all honesty, they continue to pop up every now and then. However, God has been working in my heart and nothing makes that clearer than the transformation of my thinking. I’ve shared some entries from journals over the past 5-6 years so you can get an idea of what I’m talking about.
January 30, 2008
…Lord, please help me allow you to heal my heart. Father, I find myself looking forward to the days I will get to share with “prospective him”. I look forward to dates and special moments. I look forward to sharing things I enjoy with him….I’ve often thought of these things but now I find myself impatient for them….At the same time that hopes of love, romance, and marriage swirl around in my heart, reality sets in and I chastise myself for so foolishly believing in romance. Lord, I’m scared to believe because I’m much too idealistic….I guess I’m a coward. I don’t know. I don’t know what to pray for…I just don’t know. I leave it all up to you, Lord, and ask that you guide me. I’ve given you my heart, Father, to guard.
July 24, 2010
…Father, I find myself once again wanting to meet “prospective him” once and for all. I’m not quite “longing” for him, but sometimes I do wish he were in my life already. At the same time, the thought of that scares me because its something I don’t feel prepared for. More like – it’s something outside of my control and outside of my comfort zone. The thought of being that vulnerable makes me nervous….The dream and the thought of “someday” is probably more what I want than the reality….As much as I long for the reality, I think I fear it more. Lord, I want to be powerful in you, not powerless. Please guide me, Father.
July 28, 2012
…Lord, I am excited to meet and be with the man you will bring into my life as a husband. (Of course, I’m nervous and worried and all that too.) I’m also impatient to know him and spend time with him….Father, please be with us both…Bless us with a relationship of honesty, love, integrity, loyalty, respect, understanding, and laughter. Help us inspire one another, encourage one another, and be a source of spiritual strength for one another….Help us build one another up.
January 18, 2013
…So, here I am, with yet another birthday about to pass me by. And I’m still single. Still haven’t been on a date…Sorry, Lord, for complaining. Such a stupid thing to be upset about. I know I need to have patience. I know there is a man you’ve set me aside for. I know you know my heart inside out. Every desire, every foolish hope, every wish for the future. You know how much I long for my husband. And I do trust in your plans for me. I just have no patience for them. Please continue to help me through this struggle and please bless me with your joy.
I won’t lie, the fears and skepticism and protective cynicism remain. However, I trust in God’s ability to help “prospective him” and I build a healthy marriage relationship. The fact that I can even say I want to get married without placing conditions on that statement is a testament to how far God has brought me.
In 2007, God told me to give him my heart and he would take care of healing it. In 2013, I can see the scars fading.