I wasn’t ready for marriage

For any of you who have thought about the “practicality” of living together or debated how ready you are for marriage, I think this post is a great reminder that you can’t control for everything. At some point, you have to take a risk and you just have to move forward. That’s not the “end all” answer for every situation, but I feel this post is a good reminder of what’s important.

The Matt Walsh Blog

I met my wife on eHarmony. I was a morning rock DJ in Delaware, she was living in Maryland and finishing up her degree. I drove two and a half hours to pick her up for our first date. I spent most of my bi-weekly paycheck on tickets to a dinner theater in Baltimore. The rest went to gas and tolls.

And that’s the way it would go for the next year and a half (minus the dinner theater part). Once a week, I’d spend money I didn’t have and drive the 260 mile roundtrip to see the love of my life. Sometimes I’d sleep for a few hours in the guest room at her mom’s house, waking up at 2AM to head back to the coast for my 5:30AM radio show.

I was very tired back then.

And broke.

Lord, was I broke.

She’d take turns driving my way, burning gas she couldn’t afford to burn and…

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What makes a marriage work?

This post really resonated with me so I’d like to share it.  Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married; I think we can all benefit from the message of friendship as a key component of marriage.  Take a look, it’s a good read 🙂

THE #1 THING WE’D HAVE CHANGED IN OUR MARRIAGE

“Abstinence is unrealistic and old fashioned.” – One blogger’s response.

In a recent conversation with some friends, I related a story about a young woman whose conversation I was unable to block from my hearing. I complained and rolled my eyes at how young and immature she is and the way in which she is playing into society’s supposed promotion of women’s liberation. I couldn’t stand the way in which she talked about her multiple boyfriends and casual relationships as if it was the most enlightened way of life. Because the truth is that it’s unnatural. You can’t pretend that sex means nothing and that living a promiscuous life doesn’t do any damage. As I told my friends about this instance, my tone was annoyed. But I think the truth is that I was disturbed and later God pointed out that instead of judging this girl, I should be praying for her. I should be considering that very damage in her life and hoping that it can be repaired rather than condemning her.

Thank you Matt Walsh for your perspective – a much needed one. And I’m so glad that Jeremy reached out to you for advice on abstinence in today’s world. However, my one point of contention is to not make the mistake I did. Although I am equally unhappy about what that health teacher had to say, it’s also not right to condemn her. We have a responsibility to speak truth into people’s lives but not to judge them. That’s for God to do. Obviously, this young woman has some misguided sense of reality and a true disconnect from much-needed wisdom. Unfortunately, she’s in an influential position and could do some serious damage with the kids she’s teaching. I think she’s wrong but instead of condemning her, let’s pray for her and others like her who desperately need to know the real truth. God loves her, the young woman I mentioned, and Jeremy equally.

The Matt Walsh Blog

From my inbox, an email from a high school student named Jeremy:

“Dear Matt, first I want to say I really like your blog. One of my teachers actually mentioned it in class once after you wrote something (she didn’t mention it in a good way lol) and I went and looked you up so I’ve been following you ever since. I know you get so much email so I don’t expect you to see this but in case you do I wanted to get your opinion about something. You write a lot about relationships and everything so I’m wondering if you think abstinence should be encouraged in school?

Reason I’m asking is because we are doing our sex ed lessons in health class now and the topic has come up. Yesterday my health teacher was talking about safe sex and someone mentioned abstinence and she said it wasn’t realistic…

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An Airport Run-In Fit for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan

I Kissed My Date Goodnight

Airport DelaysI’ve been traveling a bit lately for both personal and work-related reasons. As much as I love life on the road, there are things about it that are just plain annoying. You know what I’m talking about, right? Wannabe-cop TSA agents, delayed-for-no-apparent-reason flights, airplane seats designed for Kristin Chenoweth, and non-existent airplane food and blankets. I mean, either turn the airplane temperature up by 20 degrees or give me a dang blanket already!

Now that airlines are charging for everything except breathing, one of the newly challenging aspects of flying is the no-holds-barred fight for overhead luggage space. No one wants to pay to check bags anymore, so there’s now not enough space for everyone’s over-packed carry-ons. That’s where Southwest comes in handy for me. Two free bags per ticketed passenger and I can stroll onto the flight with just my laptop and a medium coffee. Sigh. So nice!

Of…

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People Change (But Please Don’t Change Too Much)

Ever thought about all those unhappy married couples you know? I think we’ve all thought about how to not end up growing apart in marriage as so many people do. I was so encouraged to read this post simply because I know my “fears” are not just mine, but that many others are thinking about them as well.

I Kissed My Date Goodnight

What? A blog post on a Sunday? That’s strange!

Truth be told, I was horrified at the thought that my last post was published just a few hours shy of… gulp… two weeks ago. By posting now I’m avoiding hitting that terrible milestone that no bonafide writer should ever have to face!

Usain_BoltLast night I laid down in bed, exhausted after a long day of work. Do you ever notice when you’re most exhausted — physically, mentally and even emotionally — is the precise time your mind decides to run faster than Usain Bolt at the Olympics?

<< This guy. What a joker!

That’s exactly how I found myself last night. Exhausted to no end, yet frantically running through a list of to-dos and almost-dones and nearly-theres and oh-crap-I-forgot-to-do-that-one! So, I decided to shut my mind up by watching a quick episode of New Girl on my phone. And, of…

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Taking a Break from Dating

Ever gone through seasons of just giving up on even thinking about your love life? I know I have. This is a great post simply because of its vulnerability. Sometimes you just need to hear that someone else gets it. Take a look!

Wasted Time: True Love’s Saboteur.

Submissive wife? No way!

This morning as a I checked my email (which I do incessantly), I saw the familiar Single Roots newsletter in my inbox and was thrilled by the subject line – Allowing Myself to Dream.

However, when I opened up the link and began reading, I was disappointed. It’s not that I disagreed with anything that Shahan had to say. In fact, I completely agree that God wants us to live life to the fullest rather than twiddling our thumbs as we wait for the one. But, I was looking for something else. I was hoping for a post that would tell me it’s okay to dream about love and marriage.

I wanted someone to tell me there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the part of me that some might label old fashioned. The part of me that longs to be a wife and a mom.

Why did I crave that affirmation? Why do I need someone else to tell me that being a modern woman doesn’t require that I give up my desire for marriage and family? As I wrote this post, the answer surprisingly brought me back to a truth I needed to be reminded of.

On a college trip to Chile, I somehow ended up in a conversation with one of my classmates about premarital sex. When I revealed that I didn’t believe in sex before marriage, she was astounded to say the least. Her response was something along the lines of the following: “I can’t believe that as an educated woman, you subscribe to such antiquated beliefs.”

I was shocked by her reaction. What did having an education have to do with my religious beliefs?

As Christians (male and female), I know we are constantly experiencing this divide. To express one’s religious beliefs is not “PC”. We may be seen as backward  and judgemental, or automatically grouped in with conservatives, evangelists, or “Bible-thumpers”.

As a woman, I have witnessed this conflict on a very gender-specific level.  In my experience, the modern woman is expected to be career-focused, ambitious, independent, and self-sufficient. She should be comfortable with her sexuality and unconcerned with societal conventions.

When I joined the working world and later re-entered school to get my MPH, I felt the weight of these expectations on a very personal level. I don’t know how to explain exactly how I experienced it except to say that they were subtly woven into the fabric of the community around me. It felt as if expressing a desire for marriage and children was just not done. I hesitated to bring up church life because of the negative association attached to religion. And it was a given that my ambitions in life should center around my career. I felt alienated from my peers.

I remember telling a good friend of mine that I felt inadequate compared to my classmates because I wasn’t sufficiently passionate about public health. Her response struck a chord because as soon as she said it, I was hit with how right and true it felt. She said, “That’s not true. You are passionate. You’re passionate about God, friends, and family. You’re just passionate about something different.”

As an Indian American woman raised in the church, I never quite knew what to think. I would hear relatives tell me in chiding tones that I should learn how to cook if I wanted to get married and that I wouldn’t be able to find a husband who would accept my feminist views. I grew up in a church where elders turned a blind eye when boys left service to hang out in the basement, but made sure girls were not doing so.  The double standard grated on my nerves. I would read Paul’s letters saying women should cover their heads, submit to their husbands, and not be allowed to preach in church, and my temper would rise.

As much as I long for marriage and family, that doesn’t make me a conservative in all of my beliefs. My heart rebelled at the notion of man as the traditional head of the household, making all the decisions, and calling all the shots. I believe in a 50/50 marriage, one in which decisions are discussed and made together.

So what should we seek to emulate as women? The role that modern society now assigns us? The submissive wife of the Bible? For those of us who come from different cultures, do we take on the responsibilities outlined in those cultures as caretaker and cook?

The answer is incredibly simple and yet not easy. We take on the role God asks us to adopt. When I realized a few years ago that God kept bringing my attention to this issue, I recognized my stubborn refusal to allow God to direct me. I was scared he would give me an answer I didn’t like. And that’s when I forced myself to say a prayer I didn’t want to say. I asked God to help me see the role he designed for me as a woman and then, to help me accept and adopt it wholeheartedly.

It was a prayer I had to repeat many times but I’m grateful he asked it of me because now I feel closer to him on an issue that used to separate me from him.

So, if you’re reading this and wondering what that answer is, I ask you to take the these next steps. Pray and submit your will to his. Read every passage you can in the Bible about the role of women, discuss questions with fellow believers, and keep asking God for his perspective and wisdom. If you come to your own God-given answers, you’ll find the role he has for you and you won’t need to fit into anyone else’s definition.

As for me, I believe it all ties in to the often quoted Proverbs 31. It’s an astounding chapter actually if you take into consideration the historical context. Here is a woman who is viewed as capable and wise; she is a provider and a mother and wife who makes her husband proud. She appears to do things not usually part of the female role and is well-respected as is her husband. She is the woman I want to be.

After a lot of prayer and contemplation of God’s word, I finally feel at peace with my role as a woman of God but sometimes I just need a little reminder to not seek affirmation from any other source than him.

Tired of Being Single

English: Bangladeshi wedding at Dhaka

The last 12 months have been whirlwind of engagements, proposals, bridal showers, and weddings. Last month, I attended the first of 4 recent/upcoming weddings in my circle of close friends. The next is that of my closest friend at the end of this month and then two more will take place next summer.

I honestly could not be happier about these weddings. I feel so incredibly blessed to see all of these girls end up with husbands/fiances who know God personally and who truly treasure them.

But at the same time, I find I’ve come right up against that cliched experience of being one of the last single ladies. And what they say is true – Somehow, being surrounded by all those weddings makes your own desire for marriage all the more acute. When all of your close friends start heading down the aisle and you’re still on the lookout, the irritation and longing of waiting seems to hang even heavier on your shoulders.

I don’t think I could identify more with the title of this post, which is why I want to share this article from Single Roots. It’s an important reminder that God calls us to look beyond ourselves and the desires we want fulfilled right now. Take a look!

Related Posts:

Purposefully Single

Still Single? Find encouragement.

Perfect Timing!

There are a lot of times we question God when we’re frustrated with waiting. Whether it’s a job search, passing board exams, figuring out our major in college, or being single; we’ve all encountered the frustration of waiting for something to happen or for God to point us in the right direction. I found this author’s perspective refreshing, especially the reminder that God has been working towards a solution before we even knew of the problem. That certainly puts things into perspective! Take a look at the post below for further insight into God’s timing. (Taken from: http://spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com/post/50295647254/we-dont-always-understand-gods-methods-his-ways)

We don’t always understand God’s methods. His ways don’t always make sense to us, but we have to realize that God sees the big picture. Consider this possibility: You may be ready for what God has for you, but somebody else who is going to be involved is not ready yet. God has to do a work in another person or another situation before your prayer can be answered according to God’s will for your life. All the pieces have to come together for it to be God’s perfect time.

But never fear; God is getting everything lined up in your life. You may not feel it; you may not see it. Your situation may look just like it did for the past ten years, but then one day, in a split second of time, God will bring it all together. When it is God’s timing, all the forces of darkness can’t stop Him. When it’s your due season, God will bring it to pass.

You must learn to trust God’s timing. You can be sure that right now, God is arranging all the pieces to come together to work out His plan for your life. He has been working in your favor long before you encountered the problem. Don’t grow impatient and try to force doors open. Don’t try to make things happen in your own strength. The answer will come, and it will be right on time.

One Step at a Time

I Kissed My Date Goodnight

I survived a miniature family reunion this weekend in New Jersey. Relatives gathered from near and far — including both coasts of Canada, Texas, Argentina, and The Garden State itself. We spent several days riding the magical carousel of eating and talking, eating and talking, eating and talking. Conversations effortlessly (and loudly) filled every empty space with multiple languages, laughter and much-needed reminiscence.

pizzaOn my final night there, we ordered a few pizza pies from a local joint and gathered around the table for — wait for it — more eating and talking. (If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, right?) I found myself in a particularly heartfelt, honest conversation with my brother, his wife, and my cousin, Daniel. We talked about faith and how sometimes it’s hard to believe in God, sometimes it’s hard to understand his ways. We each had areas of faith we struggled with, yet all…

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